A Second Chance
by SereneMelodies
Summary: Sanji's struggling to keep himself together after a devastating incident. His best friend has always been and will always be there for him but the emotional trauma makes it difficult for any of them to move on. Will Sanji find his second chance at love and happiness? Heavy angst and drama, yaoi, strong language. HIATUS.
1. Anxiety

**A Second Chance**

**Author's Note: **Hello everyone~ I am still busy writing Tangled, but I needed to relieve some stress by starting another story, different genre, different style…kind of. Anyway, I hope you'll give this fic a chance :D This is my first shot at writing something with so much angst. I want to see what you guys think of it and I would appreciate it so much if you would tell me how I'm doing. I think I'll update in about a week (maybe sooner if the response is good). Thank you!

**Warnings: **This fic is rated M for a reason. My lemony/smutty scenes might suck a lot. T.T Very angsty. AU

* * *

_Chapter 1: Anxiety_

* * *

4:00 A.M.

Dear God, couldn't time go a little faster?

4:01 A.M.

It was quite annoying how the digital clock refused to change its numbers. A minute couldn't possibly be this long. Maybe it was broken or something. The blond paced back and forth in agitation, unsure of what to do with himself. It wasn't like he could start cooking or cleaning or really do anything without the risk of irritating all of his neighbors. He could already imagine the coolly composed Marco's scathing insults and the cold, sarcastic remarks from Law. Perhaps a harsh punch to the arm from Kidd, who always wore those damned brass knuckles for no particular reason. Now that he thought about it, he had some really strange neighbors.

4:02 A.M.

His fingers began shaking from the lack of activity. Swearing, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it quickly, sucking on it as if his life depended on it. Clearly, thinking wasn't distracting enough.

Shit. Just how the hell was he supposed to wait eight more hours? He didn't know why the fuck he set noon as the meeting time, the time they would all head over to the airport together. He should have set it for 6 A.M. or something. Too late to change it now. Besides, there was no point in waiting at the airport when the estimated arrival time was sometime in the late afternoon.

He hadn't been able to sleep at all, tossing and turning in his bed as if that was going to help him. He'd tried counting sheep, reading dull material, surfing on the net on his laptop. Nothing worked. He was only rewarded with dark bags under bloodshot eyes.

He probably looked like shit.

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

The sound of the phone ringing jarred his nerves, and he snatched it compulsively, fumbling for a second. "Hello?"

"You couldn't sleep either?" Nami's voice was filled with weariness. "I figured you'd pick up."

"We both know I tend to worry too much," Sanji tried to say lightly, "but nothing's going to go wrong. They're all being dispatched today and they'll all return home safely."

"That's right," Robin's voice interjected into their conversation casually. Sanji laughed, a small, reluctant smile forming on his face.

"Good morning to you as well, Robin-chan. Are you Nami-san's place right now?"

" 're waiting together," she said quietly, "hoping for the best. After all, they don't report injuries or anything until tomorrow-"

"Anyway," Nami interrupted and Sanji was grateful. He didn't want to think _at all_ about anything like that, since Robin had a tendency to talk morbidly when she was trying to cope with her own stress. "Welcome home dinner party at your house, right? What should we bring?"

"Anything you can spare," Sanji grinned. "Some of the worst gluttons are coming home, remember?"

Nami and Robin both laughed. "Good point. We'll see you at noon, then."

"Bye, ladies."

"Try to relax, Sanji-kun," Nami said, concern only slightly noticeable in her evenly spoken words. "He'll be fine."

"Thanks, Nami-san. I'll see you later." He hung up the phone after hearing the _click_ from Nami disconnecting.

What was this uncomfortable feeling? Nothing, _nothing_, was going to go wrong. Everything was fine. So why did he feel like there was something he was missing? He shivered, despite the fact that it happened to be quite sunny and warm, even at this time of day – or was it morning? A frown pulled the muscles in his forehead and he sighed.

4:10 A.M.

"Oh, fuck, I give up," Sanji muttered wearily, pulling out another cigarette and his lighter.

Such a weak flame.

It didn't even begin compare to the heat, the fire, the warmth, the love that Ace had overwhelmed him with a year ago.

Fuck, he missed him. He had told himself he would never admit it, not even to himself, mentally or verbally. Because all it did was make the loneliness, the longing, that much worse. Self-pity was something he didn't allow himself to feel, but every time he thought about the freckled smile, he wanted to scream, wanted to tell him he couldn't possibly make it through a year without him. Wanted…

But he had made it. One fucking torturous, agonizing year. He couldn't take much more than this and he didn't have to.

He plopped down on to the plush bed, curling into a fetus position. What was he going to say to him anyway? Would Ace be the same Ace he had known before? He knew that wars often changed people, haunted them even after they ended. Of course, none of this mattered to him, since he'd stay at Ace's side regardless.

Would Ace still love him? Would he be capable of it?

Sanji stared blankly at the wall, when his vision began to blur. Holy shit, that was _not_ a tear. He had come this far, a whole year, without crying. After all, he had promised Ace that even if he wouldn't fake a smile, he wouldn't cry. So why did his eyes refuse to listen to him? One teardrop after another escaped, streaking down his face. Was he really that pathetic? He didn't know anymore. It was too difficult to be logical.

[~ * ~]

"_Z-Zoro…" Sanji panted, gasping for breath._

_Zoro smirked humorlessly, his lips and tongue blazing a wet trail down the blond's jaw, down the delicate throat, to find the sensitive spot where his pulse could be felt. He sucked hard enough to leave a mark. A mark that would brand Sanji as his. He knew nothing lasted forever, but he wanted to _claim_ Sanji, _own_ him, _possess_ him. Even for just a moment._

_Sanji's hot breath hit his ear, and Zoro shuddered, almost incapable of controlling his desire._

_Questing fingers easily flicked open the buttons of the blue striped shirt, finding the rosy, erect nipples. Without hesitation, Zoro kissed his way further down the blond's collarbone to arrive at the left one, as he began licking the pointed tip, pinching the other._

"_F-fuck, Zoro…hurry…hurry up…" the blond cried out, his hips arching reflexively._

_Wordlessly, he drifted his hand lower to unzip the pants, yanked them off along with his boxers, to the leaking erection begging for attention. His fingers firmly traced over the various veins, the wet head, stroking._

"_Stop teasing me…" Sanji breathed. "Nnnnn! Come inside me already…"_

_Zoro pumped harder, the friction driving both of them insane. It was killing him to see Sanji's aroused expression, the glazed gray-blue eyes, the parted, full lips. _

"_It'll hurt," Zoro finally said. "No condom, no lube-"_

"_I don't care."_

_Zoro's eyes widened, but he said nothing in response as he put a finger to Sanji's mouth for him to lick. _

_Fuck, he had been waiting for this for so long, he didn't know if he could last._

_He found Sanji's entrance and slowly thrust in a finger. As expected, Sanji was _tight_. He pulled out and thrust back in, finding the sweet spot that caused Sanji to scream out in pleasure._

"_Zoro, Zoro, Zoro…" Sanji flung his arms around Zoro's neck, breathing in his ear, chanting his name. _

_He slipped in another finger, feeling Sanji tighten around him. He scissored his fingers inside the blond, making him cry out._

"_I don't want to come without you," Sanji whispered, clutching at him desperately. "But…"_

"_Come," Zoro murmured, voice even more gruff and low than usual._

"_Nnnnn…Zoro!"_

_RING! RING RING!_

With a gasp, Roronoa Zoro's eyes flew open, taking in the brightness of the room with difficulty. For a brief second, he struggled to understand what had happened, when a blinding headache made him wince. Fuck. He must have had a little too much to drink last night. Various bottles of alcohol littered the floor near his bed, some still half full, some spilling on to the floor. What a mess. But what was even worse was his current condition.

He had _come_ in his bed all because of that fucking vivid dream, which was more like a nightmare to him than anything else. Why the hell did he dream about his best friend like that? It didn't happen often but it was a common enough occurrence to freak him out every single time. And even more than that, it disgusted him. He was _still_ half-hard. Tasting bile in his mouth, he cleaned himself up with the blanket, hating how he smelled of sex that he didn't have.

It wasn't like he was gay, because he really wasn't. He had never had these kinds of dreams or thoughts about anyone, man or woman, until a year ago. Which made him feel even more revolted with himself…because he knew exactly why he had become this way.

Fuck, he was so repulsive he horrified himself.

_RING! RING! RING!_

Wearily and rather frazzled, he picked up the obnoxiously loud phone. Maybe it was because his head was feeling sensitive, but it felt like the usually quiet phone was shouting in his ear. He responded flatly and groggily, "What."

"Oi, shitty marimo, are you kidding me right now?" The voice was so shrill that Zoro couldn't even discern the words or who was talking. Then his eyes widened at the nickname registering in his sluggish brain.

"Curly?" he rasped, eyes widening. "What the hell…"

He choked back his surprise, dry throat making a motion to swallow. Mustering the strength to yank himself out of bed, he shoved on boxers and a pair of sweatpants, ignoring his raging headache and nausea.

"Do you know what time it is? I told you over and over again, _specifically_, that you had to be here by _noon_, asshole. We're leaving for the airport a half an hour later just for you, so no excuses! Get your ass over here!"

"It's already noon?" Zoro mumbled, glancing quickly at the clock. 12:00 P.M. "Sorry."

"Why am I not surprised you have a hangover? Just how much did you drink yesterday? You must be retarded." Sanji's voice softened. "You worried?"

_Not for the same reason you are._

"Um…just feeling a lot of…stress…" Zoro said slowly, pulling a shirt over his head. "I'll be there in five."

"Brush your damned teeth and try to wear something decent, will you?" Sanji sighed. "You don't need to be here in such a rush if you're going to show up like a schlub."

"What the fuck is a schlub?" Zoro found himself chuckling.

"You. So get your ass over here after cleaning yourself up." _Click._

Fuck, this was torture. Was he a fool or was he just naïve? Zoro didn't know anymore. Nothing good could ever come out of being so insanely attracted to, in such extreme lust with, a friend, especially one who was so happy with his own lover that he couldn't possibly spare a glance for anyone else.

He rubbed a cold, sweaty palm across his face, feeling like he had come back from one of his intense workout sessions. But it felt infinitely worse. He headed over to his bathroom, splashing water onto his face and rubbing it so harshly with a towel that it turned pink. Absentmindedly, he began brushing his teeth, looking at himself in the mirror.

Shit, he looked _awful_.

The frown that had settled over his eyebrows seemed permanently set above his nose bridge. His eyes were more red than white and the skin under them was an entirely different color than the rest of his unusually pale – though somewhat strangely pink – face. His green hair was haphazardly matted in some areas, spiky in others, frizzy in general.

12:10 P.M.

Which meant there was no time for a shower, knowing how impatient Sanji was going to get. Instead, he cupped water into his hands and poured it on his bowed head. When he looked up, his hair dripped with excess water. At least after he dried it, it looked almost presentable. Leaving the bathroom, he grabbed a pair of acceptable black pants, deciding to leave his graphic t-shirt on.

He hated this. He hated that he didn't want Ace to come back. He hated that he couldn't just be happy for them. He hated himself for hanging so close around Sanji even when he knew it would just make it so much worse in the long run. And above all, he hated that he lived in an apartment right below Sanji and Ace's but couldn't bring himself to move.

Taking a deep breath, he left his apartment space to walk up the stairs one floor to where Sanji and Ace lived. Forcing a smirk, he knocked on the door. "Dartboard brow, open the door-"

To his surprise – though he should have expected it, since they were headed for the airport together – it was Nami who opened the door, face unnaturally panicked. "Come in, come in."

"What the hell is going on-"

"The plane's 'official' arrival time has finally been announced. Sorry, Sanji's freaked out and you know what that means," Nami said wryly, speaking faster than usual.

"So everyone's like that now," Zoro said flatly, sighing. Sanji's penchant to worry was unbelievably contagious. "I got it. He wants to leave as soon as possible, I'm guessing."

He and Nami quickly walked into the family room, and he sighed again at the sight. Robin seemed to be calm, sitting on the couch as always, but she was slowly wringing her hands with such force they were losing blood circulation. Marco was a tense, still figure, leaning casually against the wall in the shadows, while Law and Kidd sat on the opposite sides of the room on the floor. As expected, Brook sat on the piano bench while Usopp stood awkwardly by the windowsill.

And of course, Sanji. He was sitting in the couch next to Robin so stiffly that it almost hurt just to look at him. His face was pulled taut, emotionless, though his eyes gave everything away as he stared vacantly at Zoro's entrance.

"Everyone's here, huh," Zoro muttered.

A laptop on the coffee table was hooked up to the flatscreen TV, showing the plane's planned arrival time and the military's progress in returning. Each person was tracked in order to make sure they had safely gone home.

The tension in the air was so thick it was like it couldn't even be cut by a knife. No one bothered talking, no one bothered eating. They all pretended to be calm, even as they stole glances at the unrelenting sight of the digital table on the screen. A brief moment later, a loud beeping noise broke the silence and everyone turned to stare at the TV.

_Portgas D. Ace – N/A. Monkey D. Luffy – N/A. Cutty Flam – N/A._

"What the hell?" Sanji finally spoke, voice raspy from the lack of talking. "What the hell is going on?"

"Calm down, curly. Just wait. Have faith," Zoro said softly. Next to him, Nami bit her lip as if she was trying not to cry. Why were the three of them the only ones with statuses like that?

With a growl at Sanji's stricken face, Zoro walked over to the coffee table and slammed the laptop closed, which made it promptly hibernate. The TV turned black as the connection was lost.

"What are you doing, shitty marimo!" Sanji demanded. "Open it."

What was he supposed to say? He had reacted without thinking, not wanting to see Sanji agonize over every little thing when nothing was for certain.

"Zoro's right," Nami said, crossing her arms. "We should try to eat something. Let's just stay patient. It's been a year. After we eat, we can go to the airport. And Sanji, don't bring your laptop."

Sanji looked as though he wanted to argue, but he eventually nodded. "You're right, Nami-swan. Let's go to the dining room. I set up some food there."

As everyone began to shuffle around and head over to the nearby room, Zoro found himself Sanji's arm to make him stay behind. When everyone had gone, he was at a loss for words.

"What do you want. If you're going to ask if I'm okay, then I'm fine. Let go," Sanji said flatly.

"That's not what I wanted to say. If you want to go to the bathroom, I'll cover you," Zoro muttered. "You should just let it all out."

"That sounds disgusting, marimo." But Sanji chuckled softly. "No, I'm fine."

They both knew what Zoro really meant. If Sanji needed to cry, needed some time alone…

Zoro's hands clenched into fists. Why did it have to hurt so much to see him that way? Sanji's shoulders were still stiff and squared as if he was preparing for something terrible to happen. And the dark bags under the grayish blue eyes rivaled his own.

_I'm here for you…_

Zoro didn't dare speak the words aloud and instead chose to clap his hand on Sanji's tense shoulder. "Go eat."

[~ * ~]

5:06 P.M.

If Sanji had brought his laptop, he would have probably broken it trying to refresh the page where the statuses were being updated. Thank God for Nami.

Instead, he chewed on what felt like his millionth cigarette, watching the other families worry just like his large group of friends was. Some were crying, some were praying, and others just looked blankly in front of them hopelessly. He could see a woman with two little children, pretending like everything was okay, though he could see the strain in her eyes. Maybe the kids' father was someone they had never met before or remembered and she was nervous about that too. An elderly couple seemed to wait for, perhaps, a grandson or son. Everyone was waiting, patiently or not. They had to.

The military was late. Or maybe it was the plane. No one was exiting the terminal doors at all.

He grimaced. The air fairly crackled with the anxiety that everyone in the waiting room was feeling so acutely. After all, it was only natural that they would all be feeling this way; a person that was close or precious to them was involved.

The whole lot of people that had waited at his place had piled into several cars and had headed for the airport as soon as they had finished eating what little they could.

Dammit.

Sanji was running out of cigarettes, the ashtray filled and almost overflowing with butts. Even this much of a nicotine rush didn't distract him, didn't take his mind off the doubts. What doubts? He didn't even quite understand it himself. Just a feeling. A feeling that things weren't going as they should. His intuition, or whatever it really was, was screaming at him, but there was nothing he could do.

Dammit.

"Oh my God," Nami barely breathed out, beginning to hyperventilate. Her shaking finger pointed to the figure running behind the translucent glass doors ahead of everyone else. She was seeing something that the others couldn't quite follow, though from her shock, they assumed it couldn't be anyone but Luffy.

"Nami…?" Robin said softly. "Are you alright?"

She screamed instead of replying.

"LUFFY!"

When the teen finally burst out of the doors, he didn't smile, didn't laugh, didn't do anything but run straight towards Sanji as if he were crazed, completely ignoring Nami. He looked battered and tired, wounded in more than one place from the bandages that could be seen.

Sanji heard the people begin to cheer as they could see the rest of the military exiting on one side and Nami crying in disbelief and confusion on the other. Chaos.

"What's going on, Luffy-"

"SANJI!" Luffy roared, falling to his knees in defeat in front of the blond, clutching at the signature black pants with unrestrained strength. "Sanji…I'm sorry…"

"What?" Sanji yelled, not understanding why tears were forming in his eyes. _It can't be…_

He shook his head, refusing to think about it. "Talk!"

"Ace…he…hospital…"

"Tell me clearly, Luffy," Sanji said, not recognizing that voice filled with a killing intent, that deadly calm voice that seemed detached from him, even as he knew that it was he himself that was talking.

"He…He was taken to the ICU to Chopper's hospital yesterday by a helicopter. He's…in critical condition…and it's all my fault…"

[~ * ~]

**Author's Note (Continued…?): **Dear** StrawHatsXD, **if you see this, I'm also working on the first chapter of Beauty and the Geek, so don't worry! I don't know why this one came out first…

I have a terrible lack of knowledge about war, and I'm doing my best to research it, though you can probably tell that I'm taking a lot of liberties with it, especially the fact that the WG escorts people home and you can't pick them up. I know that probably doesn't happen in real life, but

If I make any awful mistakes, please feel free to let me know. Also, if you have any questions, feel free to ask; if you have comments, feel free to do so. I love and appreciate all feedback. Thank you very much for your time *hearts*


	2. Chaos

**A Second Chance**

**Author's Note: **Wow! The response was better than I expected. Thanks everyone for the reviews :D I'm sorry it was a little late, but for once, the sun was shining where I live, which means writing angst is difficult. I mean, where's the rain and thunderstorms when I need 'em? XD

And I must have been really sleep deprived when I published the first chapter looking back at the end Author's Note. Because it makes absolutely no sense T.T

**Disclaimer: One Piece doesn't belong to me in any way. And I love every single character (warning you right now)!**

Enjoy~

* * *

_Chapter 2: Chaos_

* * *

Sanji laughed. The sound was grating to his ears, hollow and humorless, a sound torn from his throat in disbelief. He robotically reached down, an arm moving stiffly to help Luffy off the floor, hand outstretched. His mind refused to believe the lies. They were lies. Ace was fine. Why would Ace have gotten hurt while Luffy was completely fine? Ace was stronger, better at fighting, smarter, faster, _more_. There was no way Luffy was telling him the truth.

Critical condition, the ICU…even if Luffy wasn't lying, that didn't mean that Ace wasn't going to be alright. Maybe everyone was just exaggerating, overreacting. Didn't people in the war wear bulletproof vests or something? Ace wasn't the type of person to be so careless as to get hurt.

"What are you talking about?" Sanji asked, forcing his numb lips to cooperate, forcing himself to smile. Why was Luffy lying to him? The hot pressure behind his eyes threatened to overwhelm him and he ignored the tentative touch to his shoulder. He didn't care who it was, but he didn't need that, not even that small comfort. It was all unnecessary because Ace was okay. He was fine. Ace was going to walk through those doors anytime now. Another ruthless chuckle escaped his lips as he muttered, "You're just…distraught. Welcome home, Luffy. We were all waiting for you. Now all we have to do is wait for Franky and A-Ace. We'll all go back together."

But it was he who was distraught. He knew it, but he couldn't stop himself from acting this way. He couldn't accept this. Luffy wouldn't lie to him, no matter how much he wished he was.

Tears ran unchecked down the teen's face. Luffy remained silent as he stared hopelessly at him, eyes filled with regret, self-directed anger, and a horrible pity. The boy shook his head slowly, as if he was trying to convey that Ace wasn't coming. His arm inched closer and closer to Sanji's outstretched hand, but he dropped it, his head hanging down. The unruly black hair covered his face as he kept mumbling to the ground.

It couldn't possibly be.

"It's all my fault, it's all my fault, everything's my fault. I'm sorry, Sanji. I'm sorry…"

Sanji choked down air, breathing becoming unsteady. This wasn't making any sense. At the very least, Chopper would have called him, would have told him the news. He yanked his proffered hand back and gripped at his shirt with shaky fingers, his heart thumping harshly in his chest.

Was this what true fear felt like?

"S-stop joking around, Luffy. It's not funny," Sanji said, voice cracking. "Get up. You're making everyone stare at us for no reason. Let's all go home after Ace comes out. You didn't do anything."

Just then, another figure approached them. For a split second, Sanji saw Ace's smiling face, his confident walk. Instead, his sluggish brain finally registered that the electric blue, buzz cut hair couldn't belong to anyone else but Franky, who had taken his helmet off. He walked over and quickly yanked Luffy off the ground by the boy's armpits, shoving him into a nearby chair. More gently, he wrapped an arm around Robin's thin waist before speaking.

"Sanji, bro, you should visit Chopper's hospital now," Franky said, with fists clenched despite his impassive expression. Robin laid a gentle hand against his arm, and he gave her a small smile. He turned towards Sanji with concern. "Luffy's not playing with you. He's telling you the truth. It happened yesterday, right as the peace was being declared…look, we can talk later. Just go quickly."

Ace really had gotten hurt?

Sanji's legs gave way as he slammed heavily down into the airport's unforgivingly hard chairs, mind utterly blank. His unseeing eyes kept blinking as his breath came faster and faster. Ace…

He didn't want to believe it was true. It couldn't be. His hand trembled as he tried to cover up the sob threatening to burst from his mouth. This was the kind of thing that appeared in movies, something he had never understood. This empty refusal to believe what was plainly the truth. This feeling of utter terror, devastation, _chaos._

But it just wasn't possible. Ace was one of the most responsible, levelheaded people he knew. There was no way that anyone in this war could have made him angry enough to lose his cool to the point that he'd let himself get hurt.

No. Sanji needed to see all this for himself. He needed to clarify everything with his own two eyes.

"Breathe slowly, Sanji."

"What should we do-"

"Should we all go with him-"

"Let him be alone-"

"But shouldn't we keep him company-"

"He needs some time for himself-"

"What's the point of family then-"

"Is he okay?"

"I'm abso-fucking-lutely fine," he muttered under his breath. He didn't need any of this. None of this concern. None of this cacophony of sounds, voices. None of this _mess._ He staggered out of the chair blindly, not seeing the people right in front of him trying to get out of his way.

"I'll drive Sanji there right away," a calm voice said faintly, but Sanji didn't care about who was talking. He got up and strode away, out of what felt like a stuffy, enclosed space. He needed to get away. He needed to see Ace. His legs carried him to the automatic doors of the airport and he inhaled the fresh air once he got outside, trying to clear his head.

Control. Faith. He needed both. Had to have both.

"Sanji, wait up!"

His footsteps slowed as he turned around to face…Zoro? He laughed, the sound even more shaky than before. He winced at how pathetic he was acting and took a deep breath. He shoved his hands into his pockets, trying to grab a cigarette and the lighter. "You called me by my first name. I almost didn't recognize it was you."

"Get in the car quickly. I'll go as fast as I can," Zoro said, ignoring his comment and running over to his car to open the door. At Sanji's frown, he sighed. "You're just too slow, curly. I wouldn't be opening the door for you like you're some helpless chick otherwise."

"Don't insult women like that," Sanji retorted reflexively, sliding in easily into the passenger's seat and absentmindedly clicking in his seatbelt. He slammed the door shut as Zoro entered the other side. "Remind me why you're driving."

"If you just tell me the directions, I won't get lost."

Sanji was thankful that Zoro had enough common sense not to aggravate him any further. He knew Zoro didn't trust him to drive. "I owe you one, moss head."

"Curly, which way?" Zoro asked, putting a hand behind Sanji's seat to pull the car out of its parking space.

"Left," Sanji grunted. Zoro sure was good at pretending he hadn't said anything. Well, it saved him from looking like a fool.

"You want the radio on?"

He shook his head, already knowing that it was a rhetorical question. The last thing he needed was more noise cluttering up his already chaotic state of mind. Both of them knew it.

At the silence, he was finally able to relax a little bit. Something about Zoro's rock-like manner and stoic personality helped him calm down, even at times like this, helping him without words. He supposed that was why Zoro was his best friend.

"You should give Chopper a call." Zoro's voice snapped him out of his thoughts back into reality.

Shit.

Sanji nodded and yanked out his cell phone, the desperation and terror back in full. His fumbling fingers eventually speed dialed 9 and nearly slammed the phone into his face in his haste.

"Your call could not be connected. Please check the number and try again."

"Chopper must have been too busy to call you," Zoro said quietly, having overheard the automatic voice. "I'm sure he would've if he could've."

He knew that. Chopper rarely missed anyone's call. That didn't stop him from panicking.

"Take a right." He finally pulled out his last cigarette and lit it, filling the car with the smoke fumes. Zoro said nothing, simply pushing the pedal harder.

Damn it. He hated hospitals. He hated wars. He hated all of this. Fuck life.

[~ * ~]

The moment the car arrived at the hospital's parking lot, Sanji flung the car door open and sprinted out, uncaring that the car hadn't even stopped. He spat out the nearly completely chewed up piece of cigarette on to the sidewalk on his way to the entrance.

"OI!" He heard Zoro shouting after him, but he didn't care. Even the screech of the tires wasn't enough to turn his head around. He nearly collided into the door in his haste and he shoved it open, eyes darting around the first floor.

"Sir?" the receptionist asked quietly, looking up sharply from her computer screen. He walked over to her and she nodded as if she understood his unasked question. "Your name, please."

"Sanji. Kuroashi Sanji." He could muster none of his usual charm, none of his usual flattery. The sterilized smell of the place threatened to drive him insane. People were crying, laughing, talking all around him in a mess of sounds. What would he be doing after seeing Ace? He didn't even want to think about it.

"Ah. You're here for Mr. Portgas D. Ace. Come this way, please."

He followed her, his head going completely blank and his stomach twisting into what felt like a million knots. It would be the first time he saw Ace since last year. He didn't know what to think, what to say, what to do.

"Here's the room. Dr. Chopper will talk to you about what is going on," the woman said politely, bowing slightly and walking back to her post. He fought the urge pull out a cigarette but realized he didn't have any more anyway.

Fuck.

Interlacing his fingers together, he sat down heavily on the seats outside the room, waiting. Hadn't Ace promised him he was going to be fine?! He promised not to get hurt. He had _promised…_but it wasn't a promise Ace could have had any control over. He knew that. Who could possibly keep a promise like that when they were going off to war? But he couldn't stop himself from clinging to the belief that Ace was going to be okay.

A voice interrupted his thoughts. "Oi, Sanji. You're disgusting."

He looked up to see Zoro panting, bent over in an effort to catch his breath.

"That's twice today," Sanji mumbled, laughing. He knew it wasn't funny. In fact, he probably sounded insane. But Zoro simply shrugged, taking a seat next to him, when the door opened to reveal the young doctor.

Chopper looked terrible. Brown matted hair stuck out in every direction, flat in some areas, spiky in others. Dark bags underlined the tired chocolate-colored, bloodshot eyes and the usual smile was absent from his face. He wearily rubbed at his face, a pale, ghostly complexion rivaling that of his white coat. His entire length of five feet seemed to have slimmed down even more than he already was.

"Sanji, I'm so sorry I couldn't call you," Chopper said, his voice nothing but a whisper. His wide but puffy eyes indicated previous crying and spilled tears, which already threatened to reappear. "I really wanted to! But he was in a completely unstable condition and I was really busy-"

"Chopper, it's fine," Sanji said, getting up and patting him on the shoulder, trying not to show his own internal panic. Forcing a smile on his face, he said softly, "You don't have to say anything. Just take me to him."

"I don't know exactly what happened out there on the battlefield, but all I know is this. Ace was wearing a ballistic vest which is kind of like a bulletproof vest. But as you know, nothing in this world is truly bulletproof. Nothing can protect you from everything. Someone got close enough stab him with a knife. You would think that the vest would have stopped the blow, but it punctured through the layers of the vest easily enough and the guy tore the vest with whatever monster of a sword he had. Ace's torso was essentially cut open, so some of the vital organs damaged almost beyond repair…"

"Chopper, stop talking. I really don't care about any of that right now, alright? I feel sick. Just let me see him," Sanji pleaded. "Come on, Chopper. Give me a break here."

"Curly, give the doc a chance to say what he needs to," Zoro said calmly, face impassive but eyes intense with some indescribable emotion.

Swallowing back his impatience, Sanji took a deep breath, immediately regretting it. The clinical, sanitary air seemed to sting his lungs and nostrils and he coughed, disgusted. The hospital was never a good place. He hated it. He always thought more people died here than survived, even with all the doctors' so-called expertise. This was the last place he wanted to see Ace in, but he wanted to see him more than anything. Hospital or not, he was going to see him.

When he was finally able to focus his attention back on Chopper, he saw that the little doctor was fidgeting with the stethoscope hanging loosely around his neck, the small fingers twitching. An impatient foot tapped against the linoleum floor as his teeth clamped down on his already cracked lips.

"What," Sanji said flatly. "You look like you have something to say."

He felt Zoro's warning touch against his arm but shrugged it off.

"I know I should have asked you and talked about it to you first, but I…I had to…deliberately induce… a coma," Chopper said in short, quick bursts, flinching. He jumped back against the wall and his hands clenched into fists as he stared at the ground.

Deliberately induce a coma?

"What?" Sanji barely managed to say. His eyes bulged in disbelief and utter shock. "What the hell, Chopper? What are you playing at?!"

Before he realized what he was doing, he lunged for the doctor, hands outstretched as if to strangle him.

_Ace was…Ace was in a coma…Ace was forced to be in a coma…Ace was put into a coma…_

"SANJI!" Zoro roared, yanking him back by force. Thick arms wrapped around his shoulders, shoving him back against an equally unmovable wall of muscle. Sanji struggled to break free from Zoro's unforgiving clasp. Wasn't Chopper a friend, a doctor? Wasn't he supposed to keep people alive?! Why the hell was this happening?!

"How could you do that?!" Sanji roared. "Just because you're a fucking doctor, do you think you can do whatever you want? Look, I've been waiting to see him for a year and you put him in a fucking coma? How can you call yourself a doctor-"

_THUD._

"Let him finish. He knows what he's doing. He's trying to help. You're not," Zoro said harshly, relaxing his hold and looking away.

Sanji felt his cheek swell painfully, but he knew he deserved it. What would he have done if Zoro didn't stop him? He could have badly hurt a friend who was clearly trying his best.

Ah, he was pathetic. Tears filled his eyes as he sat back down into the chair, covering his eyes with a shaking hand.

He was going absolutely crazy.

"His body would cause him so much pain that I had no choice. To preserve his higher brain functions, his sanity, I had to…shut him down," Chopper said, burying his head in his hands. "I didn't want to do that either…Sanji, I want you to know that I mean that. I wanted you guys to be able to talk to each other. I would never have done this if I didn't think this could make a difference in his recovery."

"Can I see him now?" Sanji asked softly, mind going utterly blank again, threatening to shut him down completely. "Can I just take a look at him? I won't do anything. I promise."

Chopper nodded, turning to open the door. He held it, waiting for the two of them to enter.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Zoro finally let go of him.

"I'm fine. You're there to punch me when I'm acting stupid. Chopper, I'm sorry. I can't seem to control myself today."

The doctor said nothing, simply clenching his jaw, trying to hold the tears back.

"If you're sure…"

With a nod, Sanji followed Chopper in. The room was well lit, in fact so bright that at first it hurt to see. Sanji's steps slowed more and more as he approached the bed…

Where Ace was. Attached to all sorts of medical equipment.

The soft, tousled black hair framed his freckled face, eyes closed as if in sleep. Thin streaks of dried blood still remained near his lips and his chest was bandaged and wrapped tightly. Other areas were patched up from different injuries. An erratic beeping noise from the cardiac monitor indicated the unhealthy heart rate of the comatose man.

Ace…

"He's going to wake up again, right, Chopper?" Sanji whispered as tears blurred his vision. "Right, Chopper?"

"He'll only wake up if he finds the physical and mental strength to. His injuries were really bad, Sanji…I…" Chopper choked on his words. "The operation to replace his damaged organs already took place and it was successful but his injuries are…there's always mental trauma which I can't guarantee he'll ever recover from. I really don't know what's going to happen. The drug I administered should only last a month or so, but even then I can't guarantee anything. Sanji…I tried, but maybe even my best isn't enough."

Sanji swallowed back the apology at the tip of his tongue, knowing that he had hurt Chopper's feelings, made him feel worse about the whole thing.

"It's okay...if you want to talk to him. If you cry, I won't make fun of you. In fact, I'll let you be," Chopper said gently, walking away from him and leaving the room momentarily.

At that, he finally broke, falling to his knees on the ground. He forced back the sobs as he whispered, "H-hi, Ace. It's me. I-I waited for you, you know. And here I am. Here you are. We're finally seeing each other again. I-I don't even remember how to talk to you anymore. Wake up soon and we can go home together. Didn't you miss my cooking? Our first dinner in over a year…how about that?"

He felt as if his heart were being torn in two. Seeing Ace like this…it was so painful he wished he could just be in his lover's position for him, that he could have taken the hit instead. If he had at least gone to the war with him, if he hadn't stayed at home, would he have been there to share the pain?

Tears dripped on to the floor as he bent his head over.

_Ace…it hurts...it hurts, you asshole…_

[~ * ~]

Zoro stayed near the door. This was nothing less than torture for him. Seeing Sanji so crushed, falling to the floor…it was too much for him to handle. He wanted to take the pain away, wanted to do anything just to have those goddamn tears disappear, wanted Sanji to be strong enough to know he had friends he could lean on, that he didn't have to take all of this in by himself. It was _painful_. He knew he had to support Sanji in every way he could even if he didn't know how to. And yet, he couldn't help the small part of him for being jealous. Jealous that Ace didn't have to see this, jealous that Ace was blissfully ignorant of Sanji's heart-wrenching agony.

Jealous that Ace was the recipient of Sanji's devoted, wholehearted love.

Zoro hated himself for it. He couldn't help but feel that awful emotion. And he hated it. Why did he have to be such an appalling creature that he was envious of someone who ended up in the ICU, someone who was so vitally injured? He was pathetic. Such an awful best friend. What he was doing was nothing less than betraying Sanji's trust, pretending to be there for him while lusting after him like some animal.

He knew how much Sanji loved Ace. He had watched on the sidelines forever, stupidly wishing for Sanji's happiness, as his best friend had fallen deeper and deeper in love, even as he kept saying how he couldn't possibly like men, that he wasn't gay. If he had more courage to confess, would things have worked out? Should he have expressed his feelings?

Why was he even thinking of these things?

It would have been so much better if Zoro himself could have taken Ace's place. That draft notice…so many people had argued over it. Marco, Law, Kidd, and Sanji himself had all wanted to switch with him. But Ace had managed to get all of them out of the draft with his single entrance. Zoro didn't know what kind of deal he made with the government, but it spared almost all of them; only Franky had been specifically forced to go and Luffy had tagged along for the "fun" of it, as usual.

If Zoro had gone…

He grimaced. These were such ugly thoughts. Ace was truly a good guy, one that was caring and thoughtful. Which made all of this so much worse. If he had gone, Sanji wouldn't have been in this much pain. Just thinking about it was almost more awful.

Why did things have to be this way?

"H-hey, Zoro? Let's go." The soft, quivering voice broke him out of his thoughts and he blinked to see Sanji standing up before him. He saw the tears swim in the gray-blue eyes before Sanji looked away. "I…really want to go home now. I'm done acting like an idiot."

"Hey, I almost didn't recognize you. You called me by my first name," Zoro said softly, repeating the words that had been said earlier. "That's rare. And you're not an idiot."

Sanji laughed faintly. "Yeah. I guess. Let's go."

The blond turned to leave when, without realizing what he was doing, Zoro reached out his hand to grab Sanji by the arm, tugging him into an embrace as he wrapped a single arm around the slim shoulders. That subtle scent couldn't belong to anyone else, the mixture of cigarette smoke and a hint of sandalwood from whatever Sanji used on a daily basis. His soft hair tickled Zoro's ear as he tried not to inhale too deeply.

He was such a freak, clutching at his friend so desperately.

"Oi…marimo…" Sanji stiffened, going rigid in his arms. "What the hell are you doing?"

Well, shit.

He didn't know why he did what he did. It was just that Sanji looked so damned lonely, hurting by himself, that Zoro couldn't help it. The blond hair barely covered the bloodshot eyes that seemed so desolate, so hopeless. And even now, he couldn't let go.

They stayed awkwardly for a few seconds before Zoro finally muttered, "Let it all out before we go back home. We're going to have to see them you know. All the 'family' members. They're all going to probably irritate you. Let it out now."

He tried to ignore the fact that he was practically lying just to have Sanji in his arms for once. But no matter how much he wanted to convince himself that he was trying to comfort his friend, entirely different thoughts consumed his mind.

Pathetic. Disgusting. Such an unhealthy obsession.

To his surprise, however, Sanji actually seemed to relax a bit, arms moving to clutch his back tightly. "You idiot…I'm not going to break. I'm a man, you know? I can handle this…"

"Who gives a damn," Zoro murmured, holding him closer as he felt the hot teardrops fall on to his shoulder.

"Sh-shit. I don't even think I have the strength to come back here," Sanji whispered, leaning into him. "Sorry…just for today…"

"I'm here for you," Zoro said honestly. From the corner of his eye he saw Chopper nod his farewell before the little doctor headed back for his office.

"Ha…I'm a mess…"

"It's okay. Take your time." Zoro said, teeth clenched so harshly he was afraid he'd break them. He knew how Sanji felt only because it was the same way for him. And it hurt. He knew it.

Sanji pulled back and Zoro let go, despising that he didn't want to. His friend's mind, heart, soul all belonged to Ace irrefutably. How many times did he have to tell himself?

"I'm fine now. Let's just go."

Zoro pretended not to see the blush forming on Sanji's cheeks. He must have made him really uncomfortable. He sighed and followed Sanji out to the car.

"Marimo…thanks."

"Don't mention it." The response was automatic, habitual.

"What would I do without you…" Sanji said quietly, rubbing at his puffy eyes with his hands. "Shit…"

Zoro squashed down the feelings, tried to kill that part of him that became elated at the gratitude. All friends did this kind of thing, right? His hands tightened on the steering wheel, turning white. He stared at the road in front of him, trying not to look over to his right, even as his eyes tried to steal a glance at the pale blond.

"I don't think I've cried so much since I was a little kid." Sanji chuckled wryly. "I wonder why I'm making such a big deal out of this."

"Things will work out," Zoro said mechanically.

Silence.

For a while, they stayed in that uncomfortable, tense silence, neither person saying anything. Maybe he had pushed things too far, considering the lack of a sarcastic comment or an angry retort.

He cursed under his breath.

[~ * ~]

10 P.M.

"What the hell?" Zoro pulled over to the side of the street, utterly confused. They had left hours ago and yet nothing around him looked even remotely familiar. "Oi, curly, why didn't you just tell me I was going the wrong…way…"

He stared at Sanji's sleeping figure.

Silky blond hair covering one eye as always, the other eye relaxed if a little swollen. Even with the dark bag underlining the single, visible eye, he looked sinfully handsome. His lips were parted slightly, breathing easily. With none of the day's stress visible in his face, he finally looked peaceful.

Holy fuck…

Zoro leaned in close enough to feel the warm breath from Sanji's lips, unable to stop himself from brushing an errant strand of hair away. He wanted to touch him, hug him, kiss him…

Curling his hand instead, he reached for Sanji's phone. He tried to breathe through his mouth to avoid smelling that sandalwood scent and successfully managed to return fully to his seat without touching him further.

He was going insane.

_Here's the GPS app. Just think about how the fuck you're going to get home, not about him. _Zoro mentally kicked himself. Just the thought of being alone with his friend in the car made him this crazed. Everything about Kuroashi Sanji threatened to shred his usually iron-like control to pieces.

He laughed humorlessly. Is this what Ace had been able to see for five years before martyring himself for the war? Had Ace bothered to take into consideration what he'd be losing out on? How could he _volunteer_ himself, knowing that others had less to lose than he did?!

Fuck, even his mind was going too far. He wanted to believe that Ace had truly known what he was doing, leaving Sanji behind like that, not letting anyone take his place, Zoro included.

He surely must be some sort of masochist, having become friends with Ace on top of all this mess. He had known it would make things so much worse, and yet he had gone and stuck himself close by the two lovers, when he should have run far away from everything.

More than anything, though, he didn't want to have any hope that he'd ever end up happily with his best friend, and he loathed that today, he had almost been _happy_ that Ace was put in such a situation. Which made him utterly appalled at himself. If he truly cared for Sanji, he'd want the comatose man to come back to the world of the living as fast as possible. But he was a selfish bastard. He knew that. Why else would he try to comfort his hurting friend? Nothing was good about his intentions, his feelings, his situation, his entire _being._ The best thing for both of them was obviously to have him leave.

His head hurt. He didn't want to think about any of this.

He stole one last glance at Sanji's slumbering face and turned his attention to driving back home, the GPS mumbling quietly in the silence.

He needed whisky. Badly.

[~ * ~]

**Author's Note: **I'm sorry if it seemed over the top. I think we all know how devastating it can be when a beloved one is so close to death and you have to see them so weak. At least, I do, though I confess I know very little about the workings of a hospital. Anyways, if this chapter seemed overly emotional, please tell me. Maybe I can go back and tone it down a little if it seems inappropriate :)

Too fluffy? I just happened to shove all my stress out on this chapter…T.T


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